slightly distracted

    “They really went too far with that.”

                     “She had a nice ass. Too bad it was sewn to that other girl’s face.”

         “They should have named it ‘Analpede.’”

                                                          “Oh fuck, she’s the centre piece.”

                   “I hope he doesn’t try to fuck the pede. *Wahh*”

                                 “A chocolate popsicle? I really can’t handle this right now.”

  The Human Centipede. Directed by Tom Six. 100% Medically Accurate.

1. Red Rover is the most painful/dangerous game ever. I can’t believe I used to play…

2. A young Christina Ricci plays an epic tomboy version of Rosie O’Donnell’s character. She tapes her boobs because they keep getting bigger. Awesome.

3. That scene where Roberta dove off the tree branch into the lake and pretended to drown gave me nightmares as a kid. I’m glad she got punched by the chubby do-gooder.

4. I wish there was more time spent with the adult characters. I mean, come on, who doesn’t need a little more Demi Moore wearing a chocolate pantsuit and Harry Potter spectacle sunglasses in their life?

5. Why the overwhelming emphasis on witchcraft? Strange.

6. Brendan Fraser plays an ex-military hitchhiker, with an earring. ‘Nuff said.

It’s actually funny.  With the talents of Leslie Mann, Matthew Perry, Thomas Lennon, Melora Hardin, a cameo by Margaret Cho and a genuinely humourous Zac Efron, you’ll find yourself at the very least chuckling your way through.

Zac Efron.  In his first “real” movie after his High School Musical fame, Efron proves he is a surprisingly talented actor and embodies a unique comedic flair playing the role of Matthew Perry’s younger self.  And whether he’s rocking Ed Hardy, a leather jacket and avis, or a 1980s basketball uniform, there’s no denying that this dude is easy on the eyes.

There’s plenty of nerd humour.  Ned is a quintessential dork whose landspeeder bed is sure to get a laugh out of any sci-fi fan or gamer. So don’t worry, there’s enough geek in this film for all of us.

Basketball themed movies are kick-ass.  And we get to see Efron rock a few crazy tricks that he must have honed since his HSM days.

The music and end-credits sequence.  While used sparingly, the soundtrack features some killer “high-school” jams like Bust A Move, Naive, and Danger Zone.  The end-credits are structured like a high school yearbook, displaying nostalgic photos of the cast and crew from their own senior years (including a must-see Efron as a gap toothed tween).

[Washing and Drying Dishes, Assembly Line Style - 5:12pm, May 12, 2010]

Me: We really have a great system going on here.
Friend: Yeah, we’re like a well-oiled machine.
Me: [Pause] Speaking of a well-oiled machine… have you seen Iron Man 2?

The Runaways - Floria Sigismondi, 2010

The Beef: The storyline, dominated by a whiny Dakota Fanning as Cherie Currie, was less a raw depiction of the impact the all-girl group had on rock history than an uninspiring documentation of Currie’s involvement in the band.

The High: The music and costumes were kick-ass. Coked-out Kristen Stewart was strikingly dynamic as Joan Jett, considering the minute role she was given.

Random: The love scene between Currie and Jett was boring and awkward: cross-cutting between extreme close-ups of eyes does not a sex scene make.

The Verdict: For a director known her grungy music videos, it strikes me odd that The Runaways is such tame representation of the cut-throat world of 1970s rock. With poor direction and lackluster writing by Sigismondi, what this film really needs is a healthy overdose of all-in, balls-out rock n’ fuckin roll.

1. Kathryn Bigelow - Her 2010 Oscar win for Best Director not only made history, but inspired female filmmakers all over the world to aim for the top. Plus, she’s also a talented painter, and that’s just seriously cool. Credits: The Hurt Locker, Point Break, Near Dark.

2. Catherine Hardwicke - Starting out as a production designer, Hardwicke went on to break the record for the biggest box office opening ever for a female director with the 2008 blockbuster, Twilight. Her first venture into directing was with her award-winning film, Thirteen, which she co-wrote with actress Nikki Reed. Hardwicke literally proves that women can rake in the big bucks. Credits: Twilight, Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen.

3. Jane Campion - Originally hailing from New Zealand, the award-winning Campion was the second of only four women in history to be nominated for a Best Director Oscar. She is the proud owner of two Palme d’Or awards from Cannes, one for her short film Peel and the other for the influential 1993 film, The Piano. She is specifically noted for her astonishing talent as a sound designer. Credits: Bright Star, In the Cut, The Portrait of a Lady, The Piano.

4. Maya Deren - The one who started it all. Maya Deren is considered to be one of the most influential figures in Women’s Cinema and American avant-garde filmmaking. Her 1943 experimental film, Meshes of the Afternoon, which she co-directed with her husband, revolutionized new American cinema and was influential to countless other films including David Lynch’s Lost Highway and Inland Empire.

5. Drew Barrymore - A newcomer to the scene, child-star Drew Barrymore made her directing debut in 2009 with the coming of age roller derby flick, Whip It. During the summer of 2009, she was being considered by Summit Entertainment to direct the third installment of the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, however the job went to more experienced horror director, David Slade. Hopefully we will see more of Barrymore behind the camera after her underground success with Whip It.

6. Sofia Coppola - The third female ever to be nominated for the Best Directing Oscar, Coppola is also known as the youngest female to ever be nominated for the prestigious award at age thirty-two. Getting her start in acting by starring in her father’s (Francis Ford Coppola) films, she is famous for her multiple talents as director, producer, screenwriter, actress, and model. Credits: Marie Antoinette, Lost in Translation, The Virgin Suicides.